Twinkle

(rewritten)

it used to true whenever Bill would look at me, 
he’d always have a twinkle in his eyes 
and I came to expect to see his smile 
every time, 

but now I wait for even his eyes to shine 
as they did before, for a while I noticed 
his eyes still shined, but that beautiful 

smile didn’t follow as it did before. 
A small upward turn of his lips is all he
 could manage, but soon even that will be gone. 

For now, his eyes don’t even shine they just look blank, 
they just stare straight ahead, not even 
the small upward turn of his lips is he able to manage. 

The tears well up in my eyes, but I just smile 
at him and many times he’d grab my hand 
in desperation, for fear that I’d leave him sitting 
there just staring straight ahead because he no 
longer knows what he is supposed to do. 

He took care of me as long as he could, but he has forgotten. 
He thinks I don’t want to be with him anymore 
He's been dependent upon me for the last five or six years of his life

, and I hate to admit it but it did become burdensome 
and I feel guilty, and did I lose some love for him? 
but my sister tells me that I loved him 
and took care of him ‘till the end 

She said I did it so well, and I did it out of love and 
respect for him. I don’t feel that way sometimes, 
but it is true. 

He's forgotten much of what he used to be, a man
 so capable of being alive and enjoying the life
 he lived and the many things he used to do. 

He did love me with all his heart, and he never 
looked around to find greener grass. He saw
 me at my worst, and my best, 

and he loved me deeply through every single 
moment of it good and bad. My sister reminds 
me of how much in love Bill was with me. 

She said she wishes that I could remember
 how much it showed in his eyes when 
he looked at me. I start to cry, the tears just flow.

 I know I did love him too and many times my eyes
 would show it when I was looking at him. 
He never minded my tears; he’d always hold me 
when I cried and he’d say 

hat he didn’t know what to do for me 
or how to help me. I used to look at him with
 the love and appreciation for all the many 
things he did through the years out of love for me. 

I would tell him that he was doing it, just holding
 me and letting me cry on his shoulder was all I would ever need. 
Oh, how I still miss him. I find myself smiling
 because I hear people outside my apartment 
and think it is Bill coming home, just for a moment, 

and then I remember that he is sleeping in death. 
It still stings after all these years. now I know 
why Jeremy had such a strong hold on me for so long. 
I miss Bill still, and I wish he was still here to be 
my loving husband the same as he was for 30 years.

1. 
   cm writes on Self pitySeptember 2, 2022

   This was a good post. I enjoyed reading it. Alanon is good for everyone who joins. I never did receive…

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Basic Lessons

Computer Lessons

Easy Lessons

These lessons are easy to follow. I explain what things are, and what they do.

You will not get frustrated, confused, or angry at the computer or me, since my lessons are in plain language that is not meant for the computer genius. There are some new words that will have to be learned, but even that will be made easier than doing it on your own.

There is even extra help for those who miss something or don’t understand a concept or way to do things at no extra cost. I will work with you until you understand and are able to master whatever it is you are working on.

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I crashed my computer so many times and lost everything I had accomplished; and many pages of journals and private diaries that I rewrite and post online had vanished along with everything else… This won’t happen to you. You will know what is Okay to touch and what isn’t.

I don’t want anyone to struggle with the issues I had and consequently give up learning an important tool that you need today in life. Many think they are too old to learn the computer and don’t want to bother with it. Can you say that today? It may not have been important back then, but every company expects you to order online, apply for a job online, file it online, or do something else online. Even the government expects it, so how are you supposed to do that if you don’t know how? or if you don’t even have the internet?

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Even students need to do research and school work online. Some students do not know how to do that. These lessons will help you too and give you the upper hand.

Common Sense

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Yahjekwu Greg is a life coach and he wrote an article giving advice on marriage. He encouraged husbands and wives to think about different things that they not only ought to think about but they need to act on them too so they will be happier, enjoy their marriage, and stay in love with their spouse.

I was very interested in this article and found the information quite useful. I was married 30 years to my late husband and while our marriage wasn’t perfect, we did ok with all the ups and downs that life throws at us. Items of advice included appreciating the little things that your spouse does for you every day, they are sure to build up your marriage.

Sometimes when arguments arise and you both may be angry with one another, I know for a fact that appreciation for the little things your spouse does for you each day will bring you back to thinking about them and not yourself. It will soften the anger you feel toward them and set the right tone to do some serious talking with each other. This really takes some ability to see beyond the anger, and I am today remembering that I sometimes did feel the right way about him. He was still my spouse. Really think about your spouse and maybe just little things they do are things that you can count on. Such as, do they come right home from work? Do they tell you they love you every day? Do they compliment you on something? If you think about these types of things, I’m sure that you can come up with something.

Along that line is the advice to say that you enjoy the little things in your marriage. The safety you may feel because you are married, always having together time, discussions before decisions are made, family time, couple time. Those are some of the things I enjoyed in marriage. Being able to depend on your spouse is a big plus. You know they are there for you and always will be. When the marriage is not in an exciting or critical time just remember another thing that will strengthen your marriage is being glad your spouse is a part of your life and being thankful that you have found each other.

I think of the term, “Each other” differently now. He or she found you as well as you found him or her. In fact, that term makes you think of a two-way street rather than a one-way street. For me, it opened up a new way of looking at togetherness. The faster you can get this attitude before the marriage, the sooner you will have each other’s backs.

He is probably very lucky Sometimes you have to think of these things and remind yourself why you fell in love and married them. Things like these positive thoughts will make you again feel satisfied in your marriage. Remembering why you fell in love will remind you that you really do still love them.

Respecting your mate will always work in your favor, supporting their decisions, and if you respect your partner, you will try to learn to listen to them before speaking in anger. I am working on doing that and it is slow, but I do see that relationships always go better, no one’s feelings get hurt, and no one gets angry back at you.

What about laughing together. This was another piece of advice that he gave. Laughing together is wonderful and it lifts your spirit and theirs too. It clears the air and it makes everyone relaxed and feels closer together. Have you ever been with others and looked at each other and began to laugh a little? It’s private why you are laughing, but you both know what the joke is.

I believe that YahJekwu Greg was trying to get a point across that it is imperative to consciously work on your marriage, you have to forgive each other too. Besides these things, I noticed that there were things in his article that had to be a decision that you make and need to commit to. How about deciding to love your mate each day? Decide that every day you are going to work on strengthening your relationship. Decide that you are going to look at the positives in your relationship, and definitely decide that you are loyal and fully devoted to your mate. One will never go wrong when following those suggestions.

Remember that your mate needs to be alone sometimes to pursue hobbies, friendships, and family. Yes, you are part of that circle but just sometimes they need time to themselves just like you do. It’s better to allow them to have a little space before they come to you and tell you they need a little space which usually means a lot of space. This allows them to be themselves and have some room to grow. Marriage takes work, no one marries and rides off into the sunset and lives happily ever after, that just isn’t what happens in real life.

He probably mentioned a few more, but I cannot think of them right now. He calls them mantras; I call that advice good common sense. When you follow the advice, you will have a strong and happy marriage. Happy marriage to all those who follow this good common sense. Even when your relationship is good and you’re happy, following these suggestions will make it happier and keep it always strong.

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Frog Kissing

When I was just a young princess my hopes of finding my prince became much less hopeful with each frog, I forced myself to kiss. I say forced because with the word going around in that day, it was believed that frogs gave you warts. I certainly didn’t want warts and so it went that I had to close my eyes and force myself to kiss each one of those green, or brown, slimy creatures. Much to my dismay, not one of them gave even a whisper of hope that my prince would instantly appear after kissing those gross little creatures.

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So, with a big sigh, and the fear of getting warts from each frog, I would spit on the ground, wipe my mouth with the back of my muddy hand, and spit again just to make sure that I got the taste of frog off my lips and all traces of the cooties they could possibly give me along with warts were gone. About the age of seven when I finally gave up on the idea of my finding a prince by kissing frogs. It seemed totally useless to me. Who believes such a stupid thing anyway? Well, I went back to my usual way of trying to find my prince charming and that was in the daydreams I would allow myself to indulge in each day. I did always wonder what a prince and his princess did when they rode away to live happily ever after. It seems that no one I asked knew the answer to that question either.

I asked Uncle Ernie about that and he said I would just have to wait until mine showed up so I could find the answer to that question. I then asked him just when my prince would be showing up. He told me he wasn’t sure when that would be, but he did know that my prince would show up just when he was supposed to. Uncle Ernie said that my prince might even show up as a knight in shining armor and rescue me from a tower. I gave him a kiss and climbed down from his lap. Maybe I would dream of this tonight. I sure did doubt it though.

My little corner of the attic was just the right environment to imagine that happening. In the winter the bare branches of the big acorn tree next door moved across my ceiling as though they were just waiting for me to fall asleep and they would then snatch me up and take me away. When I heard the wind whistling in the dark and saw the branches dancing across the ceiling in such a foreboding manner it was utterly impossible for me to even close my eyes. It was a pretty scary scene that played over and over again each night. When I got too scared, I would call my brother who slept in a bed on the other side of the chimney from me and sometimes he would let me climb into bed with him and he would put his arms around me. I felt safe with him and sometimes thought that maybe he was my knight in shining armor, but I do have to add that he was no prince charming. He was just an older brother who was mean to me as brothers usually are to younger sisters.

Well, even after some time had passed by and I was growing up I still waited for my prince charming but to no avail. I began to believe that there was no such thing as a prince charming who would take me away to live happily ever after. When I had just about given up on the idea of a prince charming even existing at all, I heard my mother say that she had just found her prince charming. I ran to her and asked her where he was and how did she find him. I was eleven at that time and she told me that I was too young to know how to find one, but she had finally found hers and I would find mine someday. I asked her if she was going to ride away and live happily ever after and leave us here.

About that time I started into JR High School for seventh and eighth grades. It became a painful realization that there was no such thing as a prince charming and there were no knights in shining armor either to come and find me or rescue me from a tower. My life did continue on and even though the reality of there not being a prince charming or a knight in shining armor coming for me on a white horse, I still held out a shred of hope for there to be someone to find me and rescue me from the nightmare of the teenage years. Nope, it never happened. I grew up and went through life in the normal way, getting through as best as I could.

Then one day I realized something miraculous had happened. There was such a thing as a prince charming. I now had the proof because my prince charming walked into my life to rescue me, but he was no prince charming, even though I saw him that way. He did finally appear after much doubt and fear that he would never come to find me and take me away from this house and my siblings.  As for what they did and lived happily ever after? They must not have known what it was either, because they did not live happily ever after, and that finally ended her search for her prince charming. She learned that life was just life, and there are good times and bad times and we always figure out how to get through the bad times and we try to remember the good.

Dreams and Reality

I remember his first kiss upon my lips, for that was the very moment he captured my heart;  and it was that very day when our love began, there in the World of Reality. My heart was pounding, my mind racing with excitement, and my thoughts were running wild, I continued alongside him into a land not familiar.   

I saw the sign: it plainly said “The land of dreams” Your eyes were so trusting, and your words so sweet. You easily convinced me that we belong  together in the land of dreams.  In the land of dreams our love began to blossom. The more words of love we spoke to each other, the deeper our love grew, yet, the many words of love we exchanged became so confusing to me. I’d find my thoughts spending much time in the world of  reality; he always knew when my mind wandered back there. For it was only he who knew where I was, and exactly how to bring me back with him to be with alongside him.

I remember his first kiss upon my lips, for that was the very moment he captured my heart;  and it was that very day when our love began, there in the World of Reality. My heart was pounding, my mind racing with excitement, and my thoughts were running wild, I continued alongside him into a land not familiar.   

I saw the sign: it plainly said “The land of dreams” Your eyes were so trusting, and your words so sweet. You easily convinced me that we belong  together in the land of dreams.  In the land of dreams our love began to blossom. The more words of love we spoke to each other, the deeper our love grew, yet, the many words of love we exchanged became so confusing to me. I’d find my thoughts spending much time in the world of  reality; he always knew when my mind wandered back there. For it was only he who knew where I was, and exactly how to bring me back with him to be with alongside him.