(rewritten)
it used to true whenever Bill would look at me, he’d always have a twinkle in his eyes and I came to expect to see his smile every time, but now I wait for even his eyes to shine as they did before, for a while I noticed his eyes still shined, but that beautiful smile didn’t follow as it did before. A small upward turn of his lips is all he could manage, but soon even that will be gone. For now, his eyes don’t even shine they just look blank, they just stare straight ahead, not even the small upward turn of his lips is he able to manage. The tears well up in my eyes, but I just smile at him and many times he’d grab my hand in desperation, for fear that I’d leave him sitting there just staring straight ahead because he no longer knows what he is supposed to do. He took care of me as long as he could, but he has forgotten. He thinks I don’t want to be with him anymore He's been dependent upon me for the last five or six years of his life , and I hate to admit it but it did become burdensome and I feel guilty, and did I lose some love for him? but my sister tells me that I loved him and took care of him ‘till the end She said I did it so well, and I did it out of love and respect for him. I don’t feel that way sometimes, but it is true. He's forgotten much of what he used to be, a man so capable of being alive and enjoying the life he lived and the many things he used to do. He did love me with all his heart, and he never looked around to find greener grass. He saw me at my worst, and my best, and he loved me deeply through every single moment of it good and bad. My sister reminds me of how much in love Bill was with me. She said she wishes that I could remember how much it showed in his eyes when he looked at me. I start to cry, the tears just flow. I know I did love him too and many times my eyes would show it when I was looking at him. He never minded my tears; he’d always hold me when I cried and he’d say hat he didn’t know what to do for me or how to help me. I used to look at him with the love and appreciation for all the many things he did through the years out of love for me. I would tell him that he was doing it, just holding me and letting me cry on his shoulder was all I would ever need. Oh, how I still miss him. I find myself smiling because I hear people outside my apartment and think it is Bill coming home, just for a moment, and then I remember that he is sleeping in death. It still stings after all these years. now I know why Jeremy had such a strong hold on me for so long. I miss Bill still, and I wish he was still here to be my loving husband the same as he was for 30 years.
cm writes 
This was a good post. I enjoyed reading it. Alanon is good for everyone who joins. I never did receive…